How do you do your face when you’re hungover?
Is it the same as when you are not hungover?
Yes? Great! And by ‘great’ I mean NO.

Provided you’re over the age of 25, it’s likely you cannot use the same skincare and makeup the morning after you’ve sucked down 14 million drinks and had zero sleep. It will not work. Your skin hates you. You need special assistance. Special products. A special routine. Here’s one I prepared earlier:

• Drink 2-3 large glasses of water. Powerade too, if available. If not, try to make it available.
• Pop a hydrating sheet mask (Transformazing, obviously) in the fridge. You’ll need this in a bit. Putting it in the fridge before you use it allows it to cool and soothe your skin as it works its hydrate-y, glow-boosting magic.
• Use a nourishing cleansing oil (Fancy Face, obviously) to remove kohl, makeup, and all remnants of 2am kebabs.
• Shower. (Try to stand up during this if possible.)
• Exfoliate face using a gentle chemical exfoliant (Exfoliating Swipeys, obviously). This will give all your serums, masks, face creams a better chance of penetrating your skin.
• Apply eye drops to clear up redness.
• Retrieve your hydrating sheet mask from the fridge and pop it on for 10-15 minutes. Do not rinse the serum off. Gently pat and push remaining serum onto your skin, and use any leftover serum in the packet on your neck and chest. That shit is precious. Don’t waste it.
• Massage in a hydrating face oil (Face Hero, obviously) for antioxidants and an extra boost of nourishment and glow.
• Apply a rich face cream (Very Useful Face Cream, obviously) and then SPF (Nifty Fifty, obviously) to replenish your dehydrated skin. This is because selfish organs like the brain and liver are using up all the available water in your system after you decimated your hydration levels with all those negronis.
• Apply primer. This is crucial because your skin will be so thirsty it will eat all your makeup no matter how much you apply. Primer gives you a fighting chance of it staying put.
• Apply a dewy BB/CC cream or foundation. Please do not use powder or matte foundations if possible, mineral notwithstanding. The idea is to reflect light, to make your face glow. Use blotting paper if you’re worried about shine.
• Use some bronzer. OOF will this make a difference. Your face will look healthy; less dead-like.
• Use cream blush on the apples of your cheeks. This will ‘lift’ your face and create the concept of you having a pulse.
• Use some flesh-toned eyeliner on the inner rim of the eyes. A little black liner on the outer third corner of the top lash line. Some concealer on the eyelids. Curl lashes. Lots of mascara.
• Drink some more water.
• Use a lovely juicy balm or gloss that has a pop of bright colour. Very fresh.
• Apply some perfume to mask the ethanol emanating from your pores.
• Head to the nearest cafe for the ultimate hangover cure trifecta: banana smoothie (potassium), a bacon sandwich (grease), and a quadruple-shot espresso (personality).